Snot funny

When did I become someone who was complacent with snot. I mean it’s everywhere on my person at the moment. At one point last week I wasn’t sure how much was mine or how much belonged to our daughter. There were snail trails all over her clothes, the couches, hell, I’m sure the dogs are full as well as the walls and floors.  A kid with a seriously snotty nose can actually launch that goop a surprising distance when they set their minds to it.  I’ve considered the possibility that our child will be become a long jumper if her snot shooting skills are anything to go by.

It’s snot a laughing matter though, you become a magnet for their snot, you’ll find it in impossible to reach places, like the back of your head and you will never figure out how it got there. You’ll pop out to the shops quickly and wonder why people are staring, only to be faced (once back home obviously) that your precious sharp shooter nailed you in the centre of your forehead and you never knew about it. You will begin to feel like a snail, you become one with it.  Beneath their adorable exterior smiles and baby babble lives a snot fiend, hell bent on covering every surface of your person and home in their vile boogers.  Worse still is when they sneeze and you can’t get to them in time and they gleefully grab a handful and either decide to eat it (after rejecting the amazing meal you’d prepared for them a half hour before) or smear it onto the nearest surface.  You will be torn between awe and disgust at the amount of snot that such a tiny person can generate in such a short amount of time, it’s seriously impressive.

As the local mommies will know, we’re in the midst of a nasty winter bug season, there are horrific variants of colds, flu and stomach bugs about.  Taking our kids out in public is daunting, everyone around us is sniffing, sneezing and coughing.  We eye our spouses with the suspicion of a drug dealer being watched if they so much as have a nose twitch. We interrogate friends and family who want to visit.  We are more invasive with our interrogations than most FBI agents.  So, when, in spite of all our efforts our kids get sick we feel defeated. We know that we’re in for a snot fest of note for the next week or two.

As mothers we all know that we would do everything in our power to help our kids.  Yeah, they exhaust us, they break us, they make us feel like failures and the worst mothers in the world on some days.  But the truth of the matter is this, we want what is best for them, something that they don’t necessarily agree with, or understand, especially when they are so fresh in the world.

So, when your child is sick you will do everything in your power to alleviate their pain and discomfort naturally.  It is at this point that I’m going to offer you the single best piece of advice that you will ever be given. Advice on one particular item of medical care that no mother should ever be without. A BabyVac, buy one, put it on your baby shower lists, beg, borrow, steal, do whatever is necessary to get one of these in your possession.  You can thank me for it later.

There are so many snot suckers (flipping delightful isn’t it) on the market, from the bulb varieties to the ones that you stick in your own mouth and suck through to help loosen and pull out those boogers.  So disgusting, yet when your kid can’t breathe you will use it without question.

And therein lies the problem, your kid can’t breathe, and you have an apparatus at hand that promises to alleviate their discomfort, so you swallow your pride (say a silent prayer that you won’t swallow something else accidently) and suck, suck, suck.  All that seperates you from your childs’ slimy snot and germs is a tiny little aerated blue filter, and let me be the first to tell you that it DOES NOT magically stop the germs.  You WILL get sick and you WILL be required to continue with life unabated in spite of feeling like the cockroach you squashed in your kitchen 3 nights before.

Us mommies don’t have the luxury of lying in bed leisurely with a bowl of popcorn, a hot toddy and a lifetime supply of tissues like Manflu permits our significant others to do. No, we can only lay around with our blogged doses for so long before dishes need to be washed, clothes need to be packed, food needs to be cooked, paeds need to be visited, bottles need to be sterilised and any number of other things we need to get done in a day.

So, do yourself a favour, invest in a BabyVac.  It hooks up to the vacuum cleaner, it can be washed with ease under hot water and you will never stand the risk of sucking up your kids icky germs.  Or you can continue to struggle with those pointless bulbs or the snot sucker delux.

I can see expectant moms scoffing me at this moment.  How can she talk so casually about such a disgusting topic.  Not to worry dear, you’ll understand soon enough…

But seriously, BabyVac… You’ll thank me later.

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